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Quote I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours.
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Find on Amazon Chris Eigeman

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I was born in...
Quote: Christian Louboutin Funny I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. Christian Louboutin Funny
It's funny. You travel...
Quote: Patty Smyth Funny It's funny. You travel all over the world, and you wind up with a guy from your hometown. Patty Smyth Funny
How many people here...
Quote: Emo Philips Funny How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips Funny
If at first you...
Quote: William Lyon Phelps Funny If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon Phelps Funny
There are certain sorts...
Quote: Tom Stoppard Funny There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. Tom Stoppard Funny
We're a phenomenally snobby...
Quote: J. K. Rowling Funny We're a phenomenally snobby society, and it's such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. J. K. Rowling Funny
I wish I had...
Quote: Paul Lynde Funny I wish I had the nerve not to tip. Paul Lynde Funny
If a cluttered desk...
Quote: Laurence J. Peter Funny If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? Laurence J. Peter Funny
Prince Charles is so...
Quote: Joan Rivers Funny Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny. Joan Rivers Funny
I'm very silly as...
Quote: Rachel McAdams Funny I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone. Rachel McAdams Funny

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Flattery is like cologne...
Quote: Josh Billings Funny Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. Josh Billings Funny
With improv, it's a...
Quote: Kristen Wiig Funny With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. Kristen Wiig Funny
I was sleeping the...
Quote: Emo Philips Funny I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips Funny
I am a great...
Quote: James Bobin Funny I am a great believer that your humor is developed at a very early age, and it doesn't ever change. You're basically the same person forever, so you find the same stuff funny forever. James Bobin Funny
The first time I...
Quote: Fred Allen Funny The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen Funny
I run around my...
Quote: Mary-Kate Olsen Funny I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. Mary-Kate Olsen Funny
As a youngster, my...
Quote: Shaquille O'Neal Funny As a youngster, my mother and father always drilled into my head having something to fall back on. My father was kind of funny. I'd score 40 points. I'd come home and say, 'Look dad, I scored 40.' He'd never have a smile on his face. He'd be like, 'I saw that move you did. What if you'd hurt your knee?' Shaquille O'Neal Funny
It's funny - I...
Quote: Garrett Hedlund Funny It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' Garrett Hedlund Funny
Being funny is everything...
Quote: Allison Jones Funny Being funny is everything to me. Allison Jones Funny
Prejudice is a great...
Quote: E. B. White Funny Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. E. B. White Funny

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For people who have...
Quote: Will Ferrell Funny For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. Will Ferrell Funny
I think they should...
Quote: Ellen DeGeneres Funny I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Ellen DeGeneres Funny
What I am looking...
Quote: Jerome Funny What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. K. Jerome Funny
It takes considerable knowledge...
Quote: Thomas Sowell Funny It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell Funny
If men knew how...
Quote: O. Henry Funny If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. O. Henry Funny
It's funny how a...
Quote: Garth Brooks Funny It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! Garth Brooks Funny
I think I knew...
Quote: Julie Brown Funny I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny. Julie Brown Funny
When I was a...
Quote: Steven Wright Funny When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' Steven Wright Funny
I've dated some women...
Quote: Ryan Seacrest Funny I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look. Ryan Seacrest Funny
A day without sunshine...
Quote: Steve Martin Funny A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin Funny

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I really love showing...
Quote: Chris Eigeman Funny I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. Chris Eigeman Funny
I was born into...
Quote: Michele Bachmann Family I was born into a Christian family and brought up in a Lutheran church. My faith has been the center point of my life, really, since I was a child, but at 16 years of age, I fully surrendered my life over to Christ. At that point, as a teenager, I began to grasp the concept of Christ's true love and forgiveness. Michele Bachmann Family
Your real, new self...
Quote: C. S. Lewis Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in. C. S. Lewis
All art is at...
Quote: Oscar Wilde All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril. Those who read the symbol do so at their peril. It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex and vital. Oscar Wilde
[To have Faith in...
Quote: C. S. Lewis [To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you. C. S. Lewis
When we honestly ask...
Quote: Henri Nouwen Friendship When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. Henri Nouwen Friendship
You may have noticed...
Quote: C. S. Lewis You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw -- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported. Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of -- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it -- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest -- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself -- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say "Here at last is the thing I was made for". We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all. C. S. Lewis
It's funny; it's a...
Quote: Mike Rowe Funny It's funny; it's a real balancing act. In TV, everybody's talking about authenticity. In order to make 'Dirty Jobs' authentic, I really can't be overly informed. The minute I am, I become a host... It's a very tricky business paying a tribute to work, because TV is very bad at it. Mike Rowe Funny
I really want a...
Quote: Courtney Barnett Christmas I really want a Christmas in New York one year, when it's snowing. Like, it's Christmas morning, and you have a fight with someone, and you run down the street, and it's snowing, and you can't find them. Courtney Barnett Christmas
Our minds work in...
Quote: Stephen Hawking Our minds work in real time, which begins at the Big Bang and will end, if there is a Big Crunch - which seems unlikely, now, from the latest data showing accelerating expansion. Consciousness would come to an end at a singularity. Stephen Hawking