Henny Youngman: If you're going to do something tonight that...

Quote	If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Copy
Author	Henny Youngman
Category	Funny
Quote Length	Short
Find on Amazon	Henny Youngman

Quote: I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny.
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Author:
Don Rickles
Category:
Funny

I exaggerate all our...

Quote: I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
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Author:
Ellen DeGeneres
Category:
Funny

I think they should...

Quote: Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
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Author:
Charles Dudley Warner
Category:
Funny

Everybody talks about the...

Quote: I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that.
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Author:
Campbell Scott
Category:
Funny

I'm known as a...

Quote: I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
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Author:
Bob Hope
Category:
Funny

I have a wonderful...

Quote: I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it.
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Author:
Denis Leary
Category:
Funny

I write what I...

Quote: We spend a lot of time on Skype and other video interviews, and it's funny how many people will prepare for a Skype interview by wearing a formal suit jacket with pajama pants on the bottom. Then suddenly, someone is at the door, and you have to get up, and you realize you're wearing reindeer boxers. Just put pants on.
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Author:
Kathryn Minshew
Category:
Funny

We spend a lot...

Quote: I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
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Author:
Louis XIV
Category:
Funny

I could sooner reconcile...

Quote: Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
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Author:
Fanny Brice
Category:
Funny

Being a funny person...

Quote: We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species.
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Author:
Peter Dinklage
Category:
Funny

We, as Americans, at...

Quote: Until I was about 14, I was a fat boy, or at least I looked like a fat boy. I think that being funny was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, so I ended up being a bit of a joker.
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Author:
Pippa Evans
Category:
Funny

Until I was about...

Quote: I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.
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Author:
Lil Kim
Category:
Funny

I like bowling. I...

Quote: I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
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Author:
Steve Martin
Category:
Funny

I like a woman...

Quote: I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
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Author:
Larry David
Category:
Funny

I think we're all...

Quote: My dad was a very funny man - he's the one who taught me life would be awfully hard without humor! I'm sure his Irish wit in some way influenced my decision to become an actress.
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Author:
Joan Cusack
Category:
Funny

My dad was a...

Quote: When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.
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Author:
David Bowie
Category:
Funny

When it comes down...

Quote: Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
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Author:
Abraham Lincoln
Category:
Funny

Tact is the ability...

Quote: I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
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Author:
Howard Nemerov
Category:
Funny

I would talk in...

Quote: Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you're taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you're sketching them. They can look at you and say, 'Oh man, you got me wrong.'
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Author:
Molly Crabapple
Category:
Funny

Objectifying is kind of...

Quote: I think serial monogamy says it all.
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Author:
Tracey Ullman
Category:
Funny

I think serial monogamy...

Quote: Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
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Author:
P. J. O'Rourke
Category:
Funny

Don't send funny greeting...

Quote: If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Author:
Johnny Carson
Category:
Funny

If it weren't for...

Quote: God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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Author:
Garrison Keillor
Category:
Funny

God writes a lot...

Quote: If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
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Author:
Mel Brooks
Category:
Funny

If God wanted us...

Quote: I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
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Author:
Charles M. Schulz
Category:
Funny

I love mankind; it's...

Quote: Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there.
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Author:
Chris Evans
Category:
Funny

Fame is a funny...

Quote: I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.
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Author:
Mitt Romney
Category:
Funny

I love practical jokes...

Quote: I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.
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Author:
Kristen Stewart
Category:
Funny

I had to act...

Quote: I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.
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Author:
Angelina Jolie
Category:
Funny

I am odd-looking. I...

Quote: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Author:
Mitch Hedberg
Category:
Funny

My fake plants died...

Henny Youngman: If you're going to do something tonight that...

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