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Eddie Izzard: Never put a sock in a toaster.... Share
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Find on Amazon Eddie Izzard

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Quote: Derek Jeter Funny I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. Derek Jeter Funny
I find it really...
Quote: Jade Thirlwall Funny I find it really funny that men can always get away with being a ladies man. Everyone thinks it's really cool. But a girl can't really date boys all the time because everybody looks down on her. I think boys get away with things so much easier. Jade Thirlwall Funny
Political satire is a...
Quote: Umberto Eco Funny Political satire is a serious thing. In democratic newspapers throughout the world there are daily cartoons that often are not even funny, as is the case especially in many English-language newspapers. Instead, they contain a political message, and the artist takes full responsibility. Umberto Eco Funny
Why does everyone think...
Quote: Tracey Ullman Funny Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek? Tracey Ullman Funny
They say Yogi Berra...
Quote: Casey Stengel Funny They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? Casey Stengel Funny
Wine is constant proof...
Quote: Benjamin Franklin Funny Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin Funny
It's funny, because there...
Quote: Ryan Reynolds Funny It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. Ryan Reynolds Funny
Guilt: the gift that...
Quote: Erma Bombeck Funny Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck Funny
Being a stand-up is...
Quote: Jerry Seinfeld Funny Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. Jerry Seinfeld Funny

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A committee is a...
Quote: Milton Berle Funny A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle Funny
Laziness is nothing more...
Quote: Jules Renard Funny Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard Funny
Stories in families are...
Quote: Salman Rushdie Funny Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family. Salman Rushdie Funny
Chris Hemsworth is like...
Quote: Tom Hiddleston Funny Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way. Tom Hiddleston Funny
It's funny how a...
Quote: Garth Brooks Funny It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! Garth Brooks Funny
Be stupid, be dumb,...
Quote: Christina Grimmie Funny Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself. Christina Grimmie Funny
I buy expensive suits....
Quote: Warren Buffett Funny I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett Funny
A sure cure for...
Quote: Spike Milligan Funny A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan Funny
The funny thing is...
Quote: Richard Branson Funny The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' Richard Branson Funny
If you're going to...
Quote: Henny Youngman Funny If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman Funny

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If you are doing...
Quote: Judah Friedlander Funny If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. Judah Friedlander Funny
I can speak Esperanto...
Quote: Spike Milligan Funny I can speak Esperanto like a native. Spike Milligan Funny
I love practical jokes...
Quote: Mitt Romney Funny I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. Mitt Romney Funny
A child of five...
Quote: Groucho Marx Funny A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx Funny
There are only three...
Quote: Chris Rock Funny There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock Funny
The way taxes are,...
Quote: Joe E. Lewis Funny The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. Joe E. Lewis Funny
I wouldn't totally rule...
Quote: Joe Rogan Funny I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. Joe Rogan Funny
It usually takes two...
Quote: Matt Lauer Funny It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. Matt Lauer Funny
There are certain sorts...
Quote: Tom Stoppard Funny There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. Tom Stoppard Funny
I actually think of...
Quote: Calvin Trillin Funny I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. Calvin Trillin Funny

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Just that you do...
Quote: Marcus Aurelius Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn't matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or honored. Dying...or busy with other assignments. Because dying, too, is one of our assignments in life. There as well: "To do what needs doing." Look inward. Don't let the true nature of anything elude you. Before long, all existing things will be transformed, to rise like smoke (assuming all things become one), or be dispersed in fragments...to move from one unselfish act to another with God in mind. Only there, delight and stillness...when jarred, unavoidably, by circumstances, revert at once to yourself, and don't lose the rhythm more than you can help. You'll have a better grasp of the harmony if you keep going back to it. Marcus Aurelius
No graduation speaker will...
Quote: Taylor Mali Graduation No graduation speaker will ever tell you that the future is anything but uncertain. It never is. But graduations need not only be obsessed with looking ahead; a graduation can be a day on which we turn back and trace our steps to see how we ended up where we are. Taylor Mali Graduation
I'm a suck-it-up-and-move-on kind...
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Don't you see that...
Quote: George Orwell Don't you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thought-crime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by eactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all its subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten. . . . The process will still be continuing long after you and I are dead. Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller. Even now, of course, there's no reason or excuse for commiting thought-crime. It's merely a question of self-discipline, reality-control. But in the end there won't be any need even for that. . . . Has it ever occcured to you, Winston, that by the year 2050, at the very latest, not a single human being will be alive who could understand such a conversation as we are having now? George Orwell
Your real, new self...
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My passionate sense of...
Quote: Albert Einstein My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude… Albert Einstein
The coolest Christmas present...
Quote: Luke Combs Christmas The coolest Christmas present I've ever received is probably socks. My grandma always gets me socks - every year - and that's something that I've probably never bought for myself. If Christmas wasn't around and my grandma didn't get me socks, I wouldn't own any, probably. Luke Combs Christmas
Never put a sock...
Quote: Eddie Izzard Funny Never put a sock in a toaster. Eddie Izzard Funny
I work every day...
Quote: Mo Farah Family I work every day hard. I put my body through hell. Let me tell you, every year, seven months of the year, I don't see my family. Year in, year out. I miss my kids. Kid's birthdays, anniversaries. I'll never be able to go back and be with my family. Mo Farah Family
I love you,' Buttercup...
Quote: William Goldman The Princess Bride, I Love You I love you,' Buttercup said. 'I know this must come as something of a surprise to you, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter.' Buttercup still could not look at him. The sun was rising behind her now; she could feel the heat on her back, and it gave her courage. 'I love you so much more now than twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now then when you opened your hovel door, there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of your days? I will do that. Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl. I will be quiet for you or sing for you, or if you are hungry, let me bring you food, or if you have thirst and nothing will quench it but Arabian wine, I will go to Araby, even though it is across the world, and bring a bottle back for your lunch. Anything there is that I can do for you, I will do for you; anything there is that I cannot do, I will learn to do. I know I cannot compete with the Countess in skills or wisdom or appeal, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is old and has other interests, while I am seventeen and for me there is only you. Dearest Westley--I've never called you that before, have I?--Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley,--darling Westley, adored Westley, sweet perfect Westley, whisper that I have a chance to win your love.' And with that, she dared the bravest thing she'd ever done; she looked right into his eyes. William Goldman The Princess Bride, I Love You