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Parks and Recreation Quotes

Explore inspirational quotes.

https://owlquote.com/i/q/owlquote__quotes?b=Parks20and20Recreation&a=&d=&_n=25
Quote
Author
Category
Encapsulate the spirit of... Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything.
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Fish, for sport only,... Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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Fishing is for sport... Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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Fishing relaxes me. It’s... Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga; except I still get to kill something.
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Friends: one to three... Friends: one to three is sufficient.
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Give a man a... Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
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Haircuts, there are three... Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?
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History began July 4th,... History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.
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I am only here... I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
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I am submitting this... I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.
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I call this turf... I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
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I don’t want to... I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
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I just want to... I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
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I like saying ‘No,’... I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.
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I like Tom. He... I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.
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I think that all... I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.
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I was born ready.... I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
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I work hard to... I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.
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I’m a simple man.... I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.
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It’s always a good... It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
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I've been developing the... I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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I've been quite open... I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
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Just give me all... Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
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Keep your tears in... Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
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Leslie needs to butt... Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
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Listen, I've eaten a... Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
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My idea of a... My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.
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Never half-ass two things.... Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
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OK, everyone: shut up!... OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
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Ron, would you like... Ron, would you like a salad? Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.
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So you talked to... So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
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Spending the day outside... Spending the day outside alone sounds like a dream. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss: silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by a children’s tv program called Doc McStuffins.
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Strippers do nothing for... Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
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The government is a... The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
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The less I know... The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
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The whole point of... The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.
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There are only three... There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
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There are three acceptable... There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
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There is only one... There is only one bad word: taxes.
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There’s only on thin... There’s only on thin I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.
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Turkey can never beat... Turkey can never beat cow.
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Under my tutelage, you... Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
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Veganism is the sad... Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.
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Well, I am not... Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.
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When I eat, it... When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
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When I walked in... When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!
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When people get a... When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
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You had me at... You had me at “meat tornado.”
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You’ve accidentally given me... You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.
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