Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys...

Quote	Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Copy
Author	Ron Swanson
Category	Parks and Recreation
Quote Length	Medium
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Quote: Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Birthdays were invented by...

Quote: Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Fish, for sport only,...

Quote: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I've been quite open...

Quote: I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I call this turf...

Quote: Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Veganism is the sad...

Quote: Dear frozen yogurt. You are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Dear frozen yogurt. You...

Quote: The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

The whole point of...

Quote: I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I like Tom. He...

Quote: I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I’m a simple man....

Quote: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

There are only three...

Quote: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Leslie needs to butt...

Quote: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I've been developing the...

Quote: Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Listen, I've eaten a...

Quote: I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I like saying ‘No,’...

Quote: When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

When people get a...

Quote: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I am only here...

Quote: Turkey can never beat cow.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Turkey can never beat...

Quote: Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Keep your tears in...

Quote: Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Barbecues should be about...

Quote: Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Fishing is for sport...

Quote: I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I work hard to...

Quote: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Never half-ass two things....

Quote: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I was born ready....

Quote: Ron, would you like a salad? Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

Ron, would you like...

Quote: I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.
Copy
Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I think that all...

Quote: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I just want to...

Quote: I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

I don’t want to...

Quote: The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

The government is a...

Quote: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

My idea of a...

Quote: There’s only on thin I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.
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Author:
Ron Swanson
Category:
Parks and Recreation

There’s only on thin...

Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys...

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